Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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