Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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