**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I could make wine with my vomit
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
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