You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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