WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
