his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
