my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
