So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
40s are totally the cure
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
