My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize