my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
