I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
