We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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