Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
