Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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