took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
