youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
