How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize