Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
