Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it's like iHOP with fire
it's great music for shaving your balls
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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