My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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