i think my tv is drunk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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