The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
