I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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