so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
