if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
whose ass print is on the piano?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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