Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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