Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
