A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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