We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
