sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
