I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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