if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
