She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
