The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
