last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
