i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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