another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize