So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
