i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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