you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
