So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
