you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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