Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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