you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
