If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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