Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Found the puke drawer
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
