I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
