turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
