my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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