onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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