even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
