He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
