he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
