i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
