im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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