the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I enjoy the company of your penis
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
