I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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