I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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